I made the worst possible mistake with my fifteen-year-old today.
For this week's assignment in his leadership class, my son has to research and present his family ancestry. My error in judgement lie in not anticipating his emotionality on the subject, leading me to naively asking "why" when he informed me that he is choosing to focus on only my side of the family.
That one-word question really brought forth an hour-long monologue on how if he cannot trust his father to reveal the truthfulness of his personal character and family background, then what veracity is there to any and all words and statements that might slide off of said person's tongue? He said he didn't want to be lied to nor to spend time trying to unravel the truth from among whatever lies he is sure will be told ...
I was quiet but receptive and empathic throughout the episode ... what is there for me to say when the evidences support his conclusions and characterization of the person in question? More lies and further blinders will not pave the way for a more honest and respectful interaction / relationship between him and my voidable spouse.
Only now am I realizing my son was not kidding when he told me that he identifies himself as a Vietnamese-American, and would feel deep embarrassment to be thought of as a Taiwanese and / or Chinese ... and that he was serious when he asked to change his last name to that of my mother's.
I feel sad ... for him and about the whole situation.
I feel sorry for your teenaged son but it might be a good sign that he is choosing to distant himself from an immorally deceitful person whose DNA he shares: in that way there is less of a chance for your son to learn and imitate this other person's behaviors. If it's of any consolation, tell him that I, too, would feel deep embarrassment to be known as a Chinese had I been placed in a similar circumstance; lucky me that I was born and raised in Colorado and not in China, Taiwan, or the various China Town clusters in the States.
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