Should I be embarrassed?

My spouse has accused me of being "mentally seriously sick." 

Here's my question:  Am I sick because I refuse to play the cover-up game?  Or because I insist on playing the role of a messenger delivering a message that detracts from the painted illusion of perfection?  

I may look Asian, however, I am quite westernized in my upbringing and beliefs, courtesy of a progressive mother who studied International Law in Viet Nam, planned and executed our escape from a Communist regime [under whom she lost many loved ones to concentration / rehabilitation / labor camps, and our three homes and businesses], re-established her life in America where she worked tirelessly to provide for all three of her children while she studied to become an Electronics and Computer Technician. 

Having been nurtured in the westernized way and living in the United States, I've come to accept the fact that who my spouse is and what he does or doesn't do hardly reflect on who I am and what my values are.  Am I embarrassed and should I try to save face?  I feel neither embarrassments nor the need to cover up the "dirty laundry" of my marital relationship.  It does not reflect badly on me if the person I'm with was not raised with morals, honor, integrity, honesty, and self-respect, given that I was naive when entering into this relationship and got myself duped.

So, lessons learned yet I will hold fast to the one firm rule on which I have been conducting my life and basing my interactions with others:  I believe honesty is at the cornerstone of every relationship, whether it's business or personal.  Our reputation [and credibility] precedes us and is bolstered or negated by our decisions and actions in our personal and professional lives.  When our decisions and actions don't match our words, we're just another hypocrite waiting to be exposed.  When we have too many masks to juggle, too many lies to remember, too many people to manipulate, too many bank accounts to transfer in to, out of, hide, ... sooner or later, all these hypocritical acts will slip up and the world catches a glimpse of the real us.  Better off if we put a little more effort into accepting, developing, authenticating, and living with our real self [or many aspects of our self] from the very beginning rather than grasping after an image of us that will never be.

Marital love, the Taiwanese and Chinese way[?]

I have always wondered how the Taiwanese / Chinese [my spouse is a first-generation Taiwanese, born of Mainland Chinese parents per his birth certificate, a fact that was hidden from me until recently] conduct marital relationships that are [or claimed to be] based on love:   by signing contractual statements for every single acts that are to be performed and / or accomplished?  

Below is a visual example of our marital partnership.  Partnership in the sense that my spouse and I have been so close that we've actually done "homework" together; I label his professional objectives and career tasks "homework" as the feelings I get when laying out the strategies and telling him how to play climb-the-career-ladder game are very similar to what I feel when I am teaching our son during our after-school sessions.

More unopened mails

More bags of unopened mails to sort through and process, some as old as eight years [2004].  I am, however, thankfully relieved that the workroom is now cleaned and sanitized, and my son and I can breath in healthier air.

401K sequel, the response

Part of my spouse's response to my 401k post is that the form that I photographed and uploaded was a temporary document, and that sole beneficiary was assigned to my mother-in-law because—according to my spouse—I was hiding our son's Social Security number from him, thus preventing him from correctly filling out and completing the form.

Really?!  I must look [and seem] stupid [and blind, medically and legally] to him.  Time for an integrity checkup.

Gifting the jewelry box

The wooden jewelry box that was meant for the ex-girlfriend ... Really tacky and classless act of wooing and courtship.

The fake fur coat ... tasteless and classless

Thought I had disposed of this "fur coat" that had belonged to my spouse's ex-girlfriend.  Guessed I should never underestimate my spouse's penchant for hoarding things; stumbled into it [and the wooden musical jewelry box] trying to clean up his bedroom.

401K beneficiary ... My mother-in-law?

Who knew that I married a man so devoted to his mother that he would willingly sacrifice our future financial security in the beneficent act of designating her as the beneficiary of our 401k retirement savings?  Three years short into the marriage, not even one year after our only child was born, and from a job I had encouraged him to look at and helped him to prepare for.

Why lie about your and your parent's background?

I was proudly informed by my spouse before and during the marriage that my father-in-law worked and retired as a Taiwanese government officer, who merited his own chauffeur to bring him to and back from work; naturally, I believed my spouse, although there were times when I seriously question his stated background given the lifestyle choices he made.  Recently, the investigators my friends hired on my behalf were able to obtain a copy of my spouse's birth certificate, whose English translation stated plainly that my father-in-law's occupation was that of a laborer.  Furthermore, it indicated that my father-in-law is of Mainland Chinese origin while my mother-in-law is a native Taiwanese.  This is a huge and shocking surprise to me as my spouse has always verbally [and loudly] maintained his pure Taiwanese heritage.  Below is a photograph of the certified birth certificate that the investigators obtained for those readers needing proofs.

Waiver From Liabilities

One of my friends has asked me why I would be willing to sign a Waiver and Release From Liabilities Arising From Sexual Infidelity and / or Adultery for my spouse.  In response, I posted a question to her:  What would your initial and steady attraction toward your partner become if you realize that his hygiene and grooming habits are way below that of an average person—not brushing teeth in the morning when late for work; substituting regular dental cleaning for daily cleaning routines; not taking showers five and up to ten days at a time; showering only before sexual intimacies, and sometimes not even after, resulting in visits to doctor's office; showering [and pouring on designer perfume] only before heading out to ballroom dancing events, such as those hosted by USA Dance, Dallas chapter, and QD Academy in Plano; and showering but not changing underwear, only flipping them inside out and rewearing them?  Even your child notices and asks you Why? and How? to which you cannot explain.  

She was quiet. 

Well, that has been the situation between us, with my family and a few close friends in the know; and after years of constantly having to remind my spouse to care for his body—not only on those occasions when he is expected to be at the center of attention or under a spotlight—but as consideration of and caring for my delicate sensibilities, and realizing he doesn't care, I resigned myself to being indifferent:  about his personal hygiene and boasting of conquests with potential female clients in ballroom dancing.  So, for those that want him, they can have him.

Our family doctor's other three questions

In response to a reader's emailed comment about our family doctor's other three questions; they were

1.  Did you know this is how he is when you married him?  As previously stated in one of my posting:  This relationship is my first serious one; I was naive if not outright idealistic when it came to relationship.  Before it, I didn't date much but focused on my studies and my career in a start-up jewelry design, manufacturing, & marketing company; I was being offered training in preparation for opening my own office in Tulsa, Oklahoma.  My spouse and I met in February 1996; we eloped in June of the same year.  I didn't mind then that his apartment was messy because I truly believed the reasons he used to justify his lifestyle:  he was an international, full-time graduate student who was also a part-time teaching assistant, and running a sideline business in recruiting international students for various language schools.  A year into the marriage got me convinced that this messy lifestyle is truly reflective of who my spouse is; that is one of the reasons I asked for a divorce, which was quickly denied with a promise that things will get better.  Things did get better for a while then started to slide back to where they had been before; and by that time, we were pregnant with our only child.  [I was stuck yet still idealistic and dumb—instead of focusing on our child while dividing my time between helping my spouse with his career, side businesses, and online teaching, and my career, I put all my resources into developing his professional and business objectives.]

2.  How is your son's room?  Is he living like his father?  Thankfully, no; although he does understandably need reminders from me on days when he's tired and / or stressed out from school.  There was a time period during which we constantly bickered back and forth about why his father can live a messy lifestyle but he can't.  Now, all I have to ask him is, "Would you choose to be a better person, living an authentic life and relating to others with honesty and have them do the same with you? Or would you rather pretend to be someone you're not and live a lie that you would have to conceal from almost everyone?"  Almost always, his answers fall in to the first category; and for his willingness to plumb the depth of analysis that question requires, am truly grateful [and proud].

3.  How is your room?  My room, which is the master bedroom, barely has anything but is clean and uncluttered.

My inspiration for this blog

My intention in creating and publishing this particular blog is based purely on the following SMS Conversation between my spouse and me.  Its igniting spark was from the italicized sections below, from which the blog's title came.

Nov 08 10:44 AM
Phandeluys A. Truong:If u insist that I write the whole amount for divorce filing fees from out the account, okay. I will do that on Friday so u can have the divorce citation by next week. Divorce, it is.
 
Nov 08 10:48 AM
12146367393:You want the divorce and you file the divorce. I do not want the divorce.
 
Nov 08 10:48 AM
Phandeluys A. Truong:w/o me being there to defend myself w/ evidences against ur pretentious hurts, lies, snake-like charms, no wonder Stella will believe ur words. Am not looking for her or ur community's approvals; I want the justice & legal system to see the real u since 1992. {u} do not want the divorce yet u don't want to move forward either? how convenient to hold my and D's lives in limbo-land while u move about as single person. I nullified the divorce thru both email to the District Clerk & by visiting the court. And now this? Make up ur mind, as u're wasting my time & resources.
 
Nov 08 10:51 AM
12146367393:More investigation? That is what {i} got from you in our most 16 years. {s}teala is the one asked me. You guys are the ones been talking behind my back.
 
Nov 08 10:54 AM
Phandeluys A. Truong:Exactly what did u gave these last 16 years? I am who I am, unlike u w/ too many hidden things. Who live a marriage like that? Yes, I notified Stella I am considering divorce & therefore will not be back to classes. I did told her once that I will be there with her in her ballroom dance journey until she achieves her dream, & because of the divorce, I may have to renege on that, thus, my apologies to her. U have a problem w/ that?
 
Nov 08 10:57 AM
12146367393:{c}ould be a lovely marriage, many people were envy about us. You just hard to please. Threaten me all the time. {e}verything is other people fault, you think you are perfect? Really?
 
Nov 08 10:59 AM
Phandeluys A. Truong:{p}erhaps ur kind of marriage; not mine. Perception is vastly different from reality of living inside something. Who cares about other people being envious? {t}hat's not my standard to judge things by.
 
Nov 08 10:59 AM
12146367393:A good mother{. .}probably. {a} good wife? Haha{.} You always want to monopo{ly} D, for sure now he is mostly strange to me. Good fucking job.
 
Nov 08 11:01 AM
Phandeluys A. Truong:Never claimed to be perfect; perfection's not even a moralistic goal. Am pragmatic, not stupid. I wanted a lifetime partnership, not a husband to provide & serve. U should have listened & read my long letter to u at the beginning of this relationship. Good luck rehashing everything in the past 16 years. Life move{s} forward. As of this date and hour, divorce is what we both agreed on, correct? Or u're going to change ur mind & accuse me of not wanting to move forward as a unit?
 
Nov 08 11:09 AM
Phandeluys A. Truong:Hello? Either commit to one or the other. By the way, requesting that u commit to a timeline of when to deliver a document, an article, a project, et cetera is not threatening; it's how life is managed. If u cannot follow thru w/ ur own promise, u will have no one to blame when u find the people around u refuse to work w/ and /or to put their trust in u.

The bathroom

Went to see our family physician this morning after I tried cleaning up my spouse's bedroom and bathroom during the past two days.  Our doctor was quiet when he looked at me and saw how badly both eyes are infected.  When he asked Why? and seemed stumped as to what might be the cause[s] of the infection, I asked that he looked at the photos on the USB I had brought with me.  After seeing the photos, he asked me four questions, one of which was, "Your husband, he's from Taiwan, yes?"  And even though our doctor assured me that I don't have to feel embarrassed about the photos, it seemed to me that he himself felt embarrassed for me.  [I saw his face reddened twice during my exam and chat.]  Now, I am on antibiotics, antibacterial, and antifungal eye drops and oral medications for the next ten days.

Dysfunctionally dirty

Should I even attempt to tackle the cleaning and sanitizing of these three spaces [workroom, bedroom, bathroom] belonging to my spouse?  I'd like to say No but the reality is that my spouse is quite comfortable living [and working] in these spaces and has no desire to clean up; dirt, dust, mites, and bacteria seem more like friends to him than health hazards to me and our son.

Photos of my spouse's bathroom will have to wait til I built up the nerve [and immune system] to withstand stepping inside and lingering in there long enough to snap some.

Is this normal?

How does any human being live like this and not get sick?  Even cleaning and sanitizing this space caused my eyes to burn and tear.  Any wonder why our son suffers from severe allergy? Yet my spouse sees [and insists] there is nothing wrong with it.

My spouse, the punk-in-training and the poet-pretender

Words failed me then [when I first laid eyes on them] and they failed me still.

Steamed rice, anyone?

I am not nor will I be eating steamed or fried rice unless I myself [or my mother] cleaned the rice-cooker and cooked the rice.  My reasons?  In very graphic mode [stumbled into this while cleaning up and sanitizing the garage; of course, I dumped it in the trash—not recycle—bin]: